The Crispy Skank Lives!

Ladies and Gentlemen I have shocking new evidence from Arizona that the infamous “leather-skinned skank” does in fact exist. F.A.Y was able to obtain photographic images of the tanned twattage. I would like to thank our field agents bravery in securing these pictures, sadly many Bothans died to bring us this information. So without further delay I present in all her sun baked glory…

Wanda is on the left. Yah, she looks like she is schemin’ for the semen alright. 

Rock the Vote & Win a Jersey

Over at F.A.Y’s abusive step-uncle site Maddog is running a caption this picture contest and the winner gets a Milton Bradley jersey. Be sure to vote on your favorite captions.

Al Likes Em Crispy

I have to interrupt our Al as GM series to highlight this hilarious exchange over at BCB yesterday. (Hat tip to Bishop Don over at ACB)

 

 It all started over in this thread  where  some dumb lemming started another stupid fucking diary about blah blah blah…. Anyways some guy with the tagline of “Gibbon Jockey” gave some advice. Now I hope that the name “Gibbon Jockey” is meant to signify that this man races monkey’s for a living because that would be awesome but I highly doubt anyone at BCB could be that clever. I’m getting off track so without further delay here is the offending statement.

 

A) I would highly recommend purchasing tickets beforehand.

B) Left field lawn beneath the scoreboard are the best ‘seats’ in the place. Everyone else knows this as well, so plan on getting there before they open up the gates from batting practice. Bring a blanket and sprint for your spot. Don’t sit too close to the fence otherwise you’ll have people walking in front of you all day and have to watch through chainlink. 15 feet up on the ’burm is about perfect.

C) Keep your brother away from the leather-skinned skanks who own the backrow closest to the scoreboard.

D) I’m just kidding about that. But they’re as much a fixture at Ho Ho Kam as woo-woo….

E) Have fun….

WOXY.com – The Future of Rock and Roll

by Gibbon Jockey on Feb 18, 2009 9:31 PM CST  reply   0 recs

 

Overall a fairly bland comment but it unleash a torrent of ANGER inside of one Mr. A. Yellon.

 

Actually, that “leather-skinned skank” is named Wanda….

… she happens to be a friend of mine, and her husband Roger is one of the beer vendors.

I sit with that group. So, maybe you should be a little more careful before you judge people. Just sayin’.

“That’s my opinion and if you don’t like it, well, I have others.” ~ Groucho Marx

by Al on Feb 18, 2009 10:00 PM CST

Nodoby pushes Wanda into a corner! After reading this you would think that Al is the kind of guy who stands up to bullies but we know all to well by this point that he is much more prone to A- Run Away B – Run away and make some snarky comment about it on his blog C- Piss himself than to ever confront somebody in real life.  We also learned that this skank’s husband is named Roger, not really sure why Al felt he needed to include that.  Al even dusted off one of his famous catchphrases with the use of  ”Just Sayin” . It gets even better in a second though.

 

im confused as to how u know hes talking about this specific woman?

“You must try to generate happiness within yourself. If you aren’t happy in one place, chances are you won’t be happy anyplace.”

by All The Way on Feb 18, 2009 10:19 PM CST  up  reply   0 recs

This is a really good point. It’s Arizona for christ’s sake I would imagine there are a ton of leather skinned skanky women hanging around the Cubs hoping to give a ballplayer a handjob in exchange for a signed napkin after practice. How could Al possibly know this was the exact skank the original poster was referring to? Fear not, because gentlemen Yellon clears this up right away.

Because there can be only one individual who meets that description.

“That’s my opinion and if you don’t like it, well, I have others.” ~ Groucho Marx

by Al on Feb 18, 2009 10:42 PM CS

(Dying Laughing) So basically this woman is so leathery, so fucking crispy and so skanky at the same time that she is a motherhumping legend over in the desert. This bitch must put the Ho in Ho-Ho-Kam. As PMayo said she must be the highlander of leather skanks “THERE CAN ONLY BE 1!!!!”  So now we know that Al likes tanned leathery skin, making dinner dates with anaoymous men who read his blog and visits to the men’s restroom. Call me crazy but if Al comes out as a ghey I would be less surprised than if he showed up to the ballpark wearing something like this

 

 

 

 

Al the GM

Other than being a complete freak and sighing wistfully at pictures of men,  Al is also known for not knowing anything at all about baseball. This is an amazing thing because Yellon has spent most of his adult life in the bleachers/men’s restroom watching baseball and when he isn’t in the park he is watching the road games on TV. The man has spent years upon years watching the game and yet as I will show below knows absolutely no more about it than a 10 year old who looks at stats on the back of bubble gum cards. Sure, Al is good for a nice MSM friendly quote, a recap of a game that anybody could find at yahoo sports or espn and other friendly white bread styled content. These are familiar topics and Al excels at regurgitating them daily at BCB. Sadly,  Al doesn’t know too much outside of familiar topics other than how dicks smell or children’s haircut styles and this becomes apparent rather quickly. Doing some routine searches I have assembled the All Al Team and the reasons he wants those players and we will compare that lineup with the actual 2009 Cubs lineup.  

Drink it in.

 

Todd Walker vs Soriano

I’d rather stick with Walker.And I doubt you’ll ever see 50 walks a year out of Soriano — and further, playing a year in RFK, I doubt you’ll see 35/100 from him in 2006.  - Ed. Note Al was right, Soriano didn’t get 100 RBI’s but he did manage to hit 40 more HR’s than Walker, outslug him by almost 200 points and swipe 41 more bags. 

by Al on Mar 23, 2006 8:38 PM CST 

Jason Kendall vs Soto

Why not re-sign Kendall and have Soto as his backup?That way, if Kendall does well, you have a full year to bring Soto along to start in 2009. If Kendall sucks, you have an alternative. I swear, people are way too mesmerized by these Triple-A stats. This is something we’ve all criticized Jim Hendry for — being too enamored of our prospects.

Geo had an OPS of .868 last year. Kendall’s was .651.  I guess there ARE things you can measure on a stat sheet Al, and this measurement says that Soto is swinging a Mandingo sized dick while your boy Kendall has one of those underdeveloped micro penises.

Derrek Lee vs Aubrey Huff and Kevin Millar

To replace Lee, it will require a trade and a free agent signing; I’m going to suggest a platoon, and there’s a reason for that. First, acquire Aubrey Huff from the Orioles. And then I’d sign Kevin Millar to back up first base and outfield. Yes, this is likely to be controversial — Millar, after all, is 37 and had a pretty bad year in 2008

Thanks to Maddog at ACB we can see that Lee is projected to have a WAR of 3.4.  Huff on the other hand comes in at 1.89.  You don’t have to be a SABR geek to know which is better. Millar is so fucking terrible that he couldn’t even land a major league contract so I doubt that combo of these two will come anything close to what Lee will produce in 2009. Plus you have to account for the fact that Al wanted to trade prospects for Huff and take up a 40 man spot to get Millar rather than trading nothing, leaving a roster  spot open for younger or better talent and having a player who is already more that twice as good as the suggested platoon.

Then again, I keep forgetting there are some things you can’t measure on a stat sheet and Al reminds us of the true value of Kevin Millar. 

But there is value in him beyond his statistics, and yes, that is important when you play a game where 25 men basically spend six months together in close proximity.

That’s so gay I can’t even comment, so I will just say that the things we measure with our stat sheets are far more important than Kevin Millar’s ability to swallow a teammates load over the course of a baseball season.

Ryan Theriot vs Ryan Theriot- Not much to say here. The one position Al has been consistent about liking is the one player who sucks the most.

A-Rod vs. Aramis

Ahhh how could anyone forget this epic piece of bullshit. It was the summer of 06′  and the lemmings were restless. The constant losing and penny pinching from Al’s handlers over at Trib Co had caused unrest in the bleachers and the suits at the Tribune enlisted their Collaborator-in-Chief to run some horseshit dungeons and dragons stat fag fantasy trade to keep some form in interest in the team during the long summer months. Al’s trade idea was so ridiculous that he was mocked for months. At least we got our first introduction to “Deep Goat” who is about 0-145 in trade rumors by this point. I won’t give Al credit for actually wanting a player better than the one the Cubs already have because this wasn’t real to begin with. Therefore I will penalize Al and instead of A-Rod in his lineup we will use a BP approved “replacement level player”. 

 Tomorrow we will take a look at the OF that Al would create.

All Yellon Team                                                                                                                                                              

C. Jason Kendall

1B. Aubrey Huff/ Kevin Millar

2B. Todd Walker

SS. Ryan Theriot

3B. (Pretend) A-Rod/ Replacment Level Player

2009 Cubs Team

C. Geo Soto

1B. Derrek Lee

2B. Mike Fontenot

SS. Ryan Theriot

3B. Aramis Ramirez

Contest CANCELLED- Fire Al Yellon Editor-in-Viceroy PISSED!!

Since none of our “devoted” readership could bother themselves to enter the contest I am going to pull the plug on this to save FAY further embarrassment. You have all FAILED me.  I gave you the chance to win FABULOUS PRIZES and you decided to spurn me. This makes FAY look bad and helps embolden the heart of the terrorists over at BCB. Consider all of you warned and as of this moment one fucking second away from being BANNED.  I thought you were good people, now I’m not sure. Prove me wrong because right now I am very ANGRY.

Little Bitch

I had to interrupt the torrid volume of comments in the previous post to highlight just what a little bitch Al can be. The A-Rod Roids story is all the rage at BCB and its no surprise that Al decided to get snippy at one of the most intelligent comments made over the entire affair. 

Good for him for admitting it

Bad for the rest of us for acting like he spat on the Baby Jesus by doing it.

He used. Lots of guys did. The sport is still going on.

The record books are just numbers people. They were set by guys who weren’t playing minorities and broken by guys on amphetamines and now broken by guys on roids.

There is no such thing as an ugly female breast

by Worf on Feb 9, 2009 1:54 PM CST  reply   2 recs

Even the BCB lemmings agreed with this until uber-douche Al decided to weigh in with this little nugget. 

We know how you feel about this.

You don’t have to repeat it 1000 times.

“That’s my opinion and if you don’t like it, well, I have others.” ~ Groucho Marx

by Al on Feb 9, 2009 3:01 PM CST  up  reply   0 rec

Now it just might be that my undying hatred for Yellon is clouding my judgment here but everything Al does and the way he writes just screams out that under his fat balding exterior lies the soul of a fat, bitchy woman. You know the kind of co-worker that makes snide little comments towards someone as they leave hearing range rather than ever confront them face to face? That’s Al. He’s a punk, he’s a little rat faced worm and when he posts stupid shit and gets called out and intellectually skull fucked ala Chuck 2 Chuck he refuses to respond.  Fuck him, I hope he catches super monkey AIDS during his next bathroom stall visit and dies a horrible death. Alone.

Fire Al Yellon Presents- Represent Yo Self

Due to my very busy schedule in wide world of work this week I am going to let our 4 readers take a stab at contributing to this blog.  I am asking that readers leave their favorite Al-ism whether it be a warning, LSA +1 or quote in the comment section.  Later in the week I will pick some of best ones and put them up to a vote. The winner will receive A FABULOUS PRIZE                    

which will be worth a helluva lot more than those 10 $ bullshit prizes Al is offering up for guessing which pubic bush matches a random Cubs player from his youth.  So have at it FAY readers and btw, if anybody finds themselves at the San Antonio Rodeo & Stock show this week feel free to drop on by partner!

Alicia Berkowitz- The Exit Interview

Today’s installment of Fire Al Yellon will tackle a sensitive subject: The women that Al has dated and the wrecked and mangled lives he leaves behind. In early 2007, Alicia Berkowitz was a nice Jewish girl from Naperville, Ill., who like going to Cubs games. By the end of the year, she was a committed lesbian in triple-intensive therapy. The reason for this transformation? Alicia contends it was because she allegedly pursed a brief, yet life-shattering relationship with a bald man in the bleachers in the summer of 2007. Today we will look at her story and shed some light on the secret dating world found in the “Friendly Confines”

Fire Al Yellon – Alicia, I want to thank you for being brave enough to talk about this. Before we start, is there anything you need? A glass of water, perhaps, or maybe a sandwhich….

Alicia Berkowitz -  sandwiches…like baloney sandwi…….(breaks down sobbing)

FAY – My apologies. Why don’t we start at the beginning? Can you tell us how this all started?

AB – Well, it was late May during a White Sox v. Cubs game. Bob Howry had just served up a HR in the 8th and some White Sox fans were really giving me a hard time. They were calling me names like “fat-ass” and “butterface,” when all of the sudden this balding, paunchy little man came up and told them, “Well she certainly is today,” and shut them right up! Actually, now that I think about it, that didn’t shut them up at all. They called him a faggot and started to throw batteries at us until we fled to higher ground. After we caught our breath and the man who saved me quit crying, he introduced himself and asked if I wanted to head down to Kitty O’Shea’s after the game for a drink. I usually don’t go for men so…well…ugly, but I figured he seemed harmless enough.

FAY – So after the game you two got closer over a few Old Styles?

AB - Not exactly. Once we got to the bar, Al told me he ran a blog called Bleed Cubbie Blue and gave me his card. I’m not sure which weirded me out more, the fact that a 50-year-old was running a blog or that he had a business card calling himself Editor-in-Chief. Anyway, after a few beers, Al grabbed my arm and told me we had to “leave right NOW.” When I asked him why, he said it was because he had run into some guy called a PenFoe and he was going to kick his ass.  I couldn’t figure out why anyone would call themselves something so stupid as PenFoe, but I figured that Cubs bloggers must have fake names like in a gang so we left and walked to my place.

FAY – After the bar did you invite him up or did you go your separate ways?

AB – Well I don’t want to give the impression that I just invite any guy up on the first date, but, like I said, he seemed harmless and a little shaken up about having to run away from the PenFoe so I asked if he would like to come inside and we started talking.

FAY – Can you tell us what you two talked about?

AB – Our divorces mostly. We both cried a lot, and then he showed me some pictures of his son which made him start crying again. Afterward, we started making out, but he ah..well, was having some trouble getting hard.

FAY – I see, did he indicate as to why he was having trouble getting an erection?

AB – He said that the only position that made him “comfortable” was to take me from behind with all the lights off. He also asked that I wear his shirt and put on some of my ex-husband’s Stetson cologne.

FAY – And none of this seemed a bit off to you?

AB – Maybe now that I look back on it, but at the time I was just drunk enough to not care and desperate enough to block out all the warning signs. Plus, every now and then he would do these little sweet things. Like after sex once, he leaned over and whispered “loud, standing applause” into my ear, which I thought was kind of cute.

FAY – Now that we’ve established how you got to know Al, can you tell us what dating him was like?

AB – Very bizarre. I would go to most of the day games with him, but he always seemed to disappear around the 7th inning. At first, I didn’t notice, but then he started coming back with these weird stains on his pants/shirts. When I asked them what it was, he just said “ketchup” and changed the subject really fast, but I know it wasn’t ketchup because that’s red and these were a kind of off-white.

FAY – I see. Were there any other problems in the relationship?

AB – As things progressed, they definitely got worse. He was very jealous and controlling and starting deleting my friends numbers from my cell phone. When I asked him why he was doing this, he told me he was “banning” those people from speaking with me. We hardly ever went to the movies or dinner because he kept saying how he had to get up really early in the morning for work. This really bothered me because every now and then he would go out to dinner but it was only with his “buddies” from the ball park or the blog.

There was this one guy, Smooth Jazz something or other, who really bothered me. He was really possessive of Al and a total jerk. Once we all went out on the town and saw John Cusack over at the Goose Island Brewery. This Jazz douche went over and asked Mr. Cusack for an autograph and, when he refused, started to stare him down until one of them blinked. I mean who the fuck does that? I guess our biggest problem overall was that Al just seemed more interested in men and being at the ballpark than being with me. I mean, I love the Cubs as much as anyone, but Jesus Christ there is a world outside of Wrigley Field. Al is like 50 some years old and I kept telling him he was going to die alone if he didn’t spend some time on his life outside of the Cubs.

FAY – And what was his response to that?

AB – I’ll never forget this, he just looked up at me with this really blank stare, like he was confused by my question, and said ,“What life?” After that, things started going down hill but I stuck it out until…….

FAY – Until when Ms. Berkowitz?

AB – Until, *long pause* I’m sorry I just don’t think I can do this.

FAY – Ms. Berkowtiz please, I know this is hard, but the readers of FAY would really like you to finish your story.

AB - *Takes deep breath and composes herself* One day when the Cubs were on the road, I came home from the gym a little early. I called Al to see if he wanted to spend the day together, but he told me he was very busy editing some cartoons for his blog. I decided to go over to Al’s and surprise him. The door was unlocked so I let myself in and that’s when I saw this

(Warning this may be unsuitable for children and a bit NSFW)

 

 

AB - (con’t)- I couldn’t believe what I had seen and when I confronted him about it he just told me to go away and that if I told anyone that he was going to “ban” me like he had banned all the others. He even threatened to ban my parents! I was so afraid of what he might do..

FAY - You mean afraid he might harm you in a physical way?

AB - No,  not like that, Al is a complete pussy and I could totally kick his ass but he is more then capable of pithy little retributions. Things that aren’t a big deal but are really annoying you know? He would send letters trying to apologize but then would demand I respond “or else”. When I refused, he told me that what I had done was “The worst thing that had ever happened in his life” and that I had violated “the relationship guidelines” by not forgiving him. I thought I loved Al, I really did, but after spending 3 and a half months with him in such a fucked up relationship I was a total wreck. It’s taken over a year of therapy for me to be in the place I am now.

FAY - Which is?

AB – I’m happy to say that I am in a healthy, committed relationship with my girlfriend Anna. After Al my therapist told me I needed to be with someone a little more masculine, so now I ride bottom while she rams me with the strap on. I can honestly say that for the first time in a long time I feel a bit more hopeful. I still have my bad days, sometimes I wake up from nightmares filled with visions of men in scruffy little goatees and the smell of wax paper and baloney but I think I’m finally on the right track.

FAY - Well Alicia I certainly hope so. I want to thank you for being brave enough to confront your demon’s and wish you nothing but success in your recovery. 

AB- Thank you.

FAY - Well readers there you have it, a first hand account of what its like to date a narcissistic ego monster like Al, I hope this will be a lesson to women and men everywhere not to fall victim to this predators web of lies.  From all of us here at Fire Al Yellon good night and good luck.

 

 

Ed. Note- All the above is alleged and or not true. Any  similarity to any person living or dead is merely coincidental.