The Crispy Skank Lives!

February 26, 2009

Ladies and Gentlemen I have shocking new evidence from Arizona that the infamous “leather-skinned skank” does in fact exist. F.A.Y was able to obtain photographic images of the tanned twattage. I would like to thank our field agents bravery in securing these pictures, sadly many Bothans died to bring us this information. So without further delay I present in all her sun baked glory…

wanda

Wanda is on the left. Yah, she looks like she is schemin’ for the semen alright. 

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Rock the Vote & Win a Jersey

February 24, 2009

Over at F.A.Y’s abusive step-uncle site Maddog is running a caption this picture contest and the winner gets a Milton Bradley jersey. Be sure to vote on your favorite captions.


Al Likes Em Crispy

February 19, 2009

donatella-versace-bikini

I have to interrupt our Al as GM series to highlight this hilarious exchange over at BCB yesterday. (Hat tip to Bishop Don over at ACB)

 

 It all started over in this thread  where  some dumb lemming started another stupid fucking diary about blah blah blah…. Anyways some guy with the tagline of “Gibbon Jockey” gave some advice. Now I hope that the name “Gibbon Jockey” is meant to signify that this man races monkey’s for a living because that would be awesome but I highly doubt anyone at BCB could be that clever. I’m getting off track so without further delay here is the offending statement.

 

A) I would highly recommend purchasing tickets beforehand.

B) Left field lawn beneath the scoreboard are the best ‘seats’ in the place. Everyone else knows this as well, so plan on getting there before they open up the gates from batting practice. Bring a blanket and sprint for your spot. Don’t sit too close to the fence otherwise you’ll have people walking in front of you all day and have to watch through chainlink. 15 feet up on the ’burm is about perfect.

C) Keep your brother away from the leather-skinned skanks who own the backrow closest to the scoreboard.

D) I’m just kidding about that. But they’re as much a fixture at Ho Ho Kam as woo-woo….

E) Have fun….

WOXY.com – The Future of Rock and Roll

by Gibbon Jockey on Feb 18, 2009 9:31 PM CST reply reply   0 recs

 

Overall a fairly bland comment but it unleash a torrent of ANGER inside of one Mr. A. Yellon.

 

Actually, that “leather-skinned skank” is named Wanda….

… she happens to be a friend of mine, and her husband Roger is one of the beer vendors.

I sit with that group. So, maybe you should be a little more careful before you judge people. Just sayin’.

“That’s my opinion and if you don’t like it, well, I have others.” ~ Groucho Marx

by Al on Feb 18, 2009 10:00 PM CST

Nodoby pushes Wanda into a corner! After reading this you would think that Al is the kind of guy who stands up to bullies but we know all to well by this point that he is much more prone to A- Run Away B – Run away and make some snarky comment about it on his blog C- Piss himself than to ever confront somebody in real life.  We also learned that this skank’s husband is named Roger, not really sure why Al felt he needed to include that.  Al even dusted off one of his famous catchphrases with the use of  “Just Sayin” . It gets even better in a second though.

 

im confused as to how u know hes talking about this specific woman?

“You must try to generate happiness within yourself. If you aren’t happy in one place, chances are you won’t be happy anyplace.”

by All The Way on Feb 18, 2009 10:19 PM CST to parent up reply reply   0 recs

This is a really good point. It’s Arizona for christ’s sake I would imagine there are a ton of leather skinned skanky women hanging around the Cubs hoping to give a ballplayer a handjob in exchange for a signed napkin after practice. How could Al possibly know this was the exact skank the original poster was referring to? Fear not, because gentlemen Yellon clears this up right away.

Because there can be only one individual who meets that description.

“That’s my opinion and if you don’t like it, well, I have others.” ~ Groucho Marx

by Al on Feb 18, 2009 10:42 PM CS

(Dying Laughing) So basically this woman is so leathery, so fucking crispy and so skanky at the same time that she is a motherhumping legend over in the desert. This bitch must put the Ho in Ho-Ho-Kam. As PMayo said she must be the highlander of leather skanks “THERE CAN ONLY BE 1!!!!”  So now we know that Al likes tanned leathery skin, making dinner dates with anaoymous men who read his blog and visits to the men’s restroom. Call me crazy but if Al comes out as a ghey I would be less surprised than if he showed up to the ballpark wearing something like this

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Al the GM

February 16, 2009

Other than being a complete freak and sighing wistfully at pictures of men,  Al is also known for not knowing anything at all about baseball. This is an amazing thing because Yellon has spent most of his adult life in the bleachers/men’s restroom watching baseball and when he isn’t in the park he is watching the road games on TV. The man has spent years upon years watching the game and yet as I will show below knows absolutely no more about it than a 10 year old who looks at stats on the back of bubble gum cards. Sure, Al is good for a nice MSM friendly quote, a recap of a game that anybody could find at yahoo sports or espn and other friendly white bread styled content. These are familiar topics and Al excels at regurgitating them daily at BCB. Sadly,  Al doesn’t know too much outside of familiar topics other than how dicks smell or children’s haircut styles and this becomes apparent rather quickly. Doing some routine searches I have assembled the All Al Team and the reasons he wants those players and we will compare that lineup with the actual 2009 Cubs lineup.  

Drink it in.

 

Todd Walker vs Soriano

I’d rather stick with Walker.And I doubt you’ll ever see 50 walks a year out of Soriano — and further, playing a year in RFK, I doubt you’ll see 35/100 from him in 2006.  Ed. Note Al was right, Soriano didn’t get 100 RBI’s but he did manage to hit 40 more HR’s than Walker, outslug him by almost 200 points and swipe 41 more bags. 

by Al on Mar 23, 2006 8:38 PM CST 

Jason Kendall vs Soto

Why not re-sign Kendall and have Soto as his backup?That way, if Kendall does well, you have a full year to bring Soto along to start in 2009. If Kendall sucks, you have an alternative. I swear, people are way too mesmerized by these Triple-A stats. This is something we’ve all criticized Jim Hendry for — being too enamored of our prospects.

Geo had an OPS of .868 last year. Kendall’s was .651.  I guess there ARE things you can measure on a stat sheet Al, and this measurement says that Soto is swinging a Mandingo sized dick while your boy Kendall has one of those underdeveloped micro penises.

Derrek Lee vs Aubrey Huff and Kevin Millar

To replace Lee, it will require a trade and a free agent signing; I’m going to suggest a platoon, and there’s a reason for that. First, acquire Aubrey Huff from the Orioles. And then I’d sign Kevin Millar to back up first base and outfield. Yes, this is likely to be controversial — Millar, after all, is 37 and had a pretty bad year in 2008

Thanks to Maddog at ACB we can see that Lee is projected to have a WAR of 3.4.  Huff on the other hand comes in at 1.89.  You don’t have to be a SABR geek to know which is better. Millar is so fucking terrible that he couldn’t even land a major league contract so I doubt that combo of these two will come anything close to what Lee will produce in 2009. Plus you have to account for the fact that Al wanted to trade prospects for Huff and take up a 40 man spot to get Millar rather than trading nothing, leaving a roster  spot open for younger or better talent and having a player who is already more that twice as good as the suggested platoon.

Then again, I keep forgetting there are some things you can’t measure on a stat sheet and Al reminds us of the true value of Kevin Millar. 

But there is value in him beyond his statistics, and yes, that is important when you play a game where 25 men basically spend six months together in close proximity.

That’s so gay I can’t even comment, so I will just say that the things we measure with our stat sheets are far more important than Kevin Millar’s ability to swallow a teammates load over the course of a baseball season.

Ryan Theriot vs Ryan Theriot- Not much to say here. The one position Al has been consistent about liking is the one player who sucks the most.

A-Rod vs. Aramis

Ahhh how could anyone forget this epic piece of bullshit. It was the summer of 06′  and the lemmings were restless. The constant losing and penny pinching from Al’s handlers over at Trib Co had caused unrest in the bleachers and the suits at the Tribune enlisted their Collaborator-in-Chief to run some horseshit dungeons and dragons stat fag fantasy trade to keep some form in interest in the team during the long summer months. Al’s trade idea was so ridiculous that he was mocked for months. At least we got our first introduction to “Deep Goat” who is about 0-145 in trade rumors by this point. I won’t give Al credit for actually wanting a player better than the one the Cubs already have because this wasn’t real to begin with. Therefore I will penalize Al and instead of A-Rod in his lineup we will use a BP approved “replacement level player”. 

 Tomorrow we will take a look at the OF that Al would create.

All Yellon Team                                                                                                                                                              

C. Jason Kendall

1B. Aubrey Huff/ Kevin Millar

2B. Todd Walker

SS. Ryan Theriot

3B. (Pretend) A-Rod/ Replacment Level Player

2009 Cubs Team

C. Geo Soto

1B. Derrek Lee

2B. Mike Fontenot

SS. Ryan Theriot

3B. Aramis Ramirez


Contest CANCELLED- Fire Al Yellon Editor-in-Viceroy PISSED!!

February 11, 2009

Since none of our “devoted” readership could bother themselves to enter the contest I am going to pull the plug on this to save FAY further embarrassment. You have all FAILED me.  I gave you the chance to win FABULOUS PRIZES and you decided to spurn me. This makes FAY look bad and helps embolden the heart of the terrorists over at BCB. Consider all of you warned and as of this moment one fucking second away from being BANNED.  I thought you were good people, now I’m not sure. Prove me wrong because right now I am very ANGRY.

double_secret_probation2


Little Bitch

February 9, 2009

I had to interrupt the torrid volume of comments in the previous post to highlight just what a little bitch Al can be. The A-Rod Roids story is all the rage at BCB and its no surprise that Al decided to get snippy at one of the most intelligent comments made over the entire affair. 

Good for him for admitting it

Bad for the rest of us for acting like he spat on the Baby Jesus by doing it.

He used. Lots of guys did. The sport is still going on.

The record books are just numbers people. They were set by guys who weren’t playing minorities and broken by guys on amphetamines and now broken by guys on roids.

There is no such thing as an ugly female breast

by Worf on Feb 9, 2009 1:54 PM CST reply reply   2 recs

Even the BCB lemmings agreed with this until uber-douche Al decided to weigh in with this little nugget. 

We know how you feel about this.

You don’t have to repeat it 1000 times.

“That’s my opinion and if you don’t like it, well, I have others.” ~ Groucho Marx

by Al on Feb 9, 2009 3:01 PM CST to parent up reply reply   0 rec

Now it just might be that my undying hatred for Yellon is clouding my judgment here but everything Al does and the way he writes just screams out that under his fat balding exterior lies the soul of a fat, bitchy woman. You know the kind of co-worker that makes snide little comments towards someone as they leave hearing range rather than ever confront them face to face? That’s Al. He’s a punk, he’s a little rat faced worm and when he posts stupid shit and gets called out and intellectually skull fucked ala Chuck 2 Chuck he refuses to respond.  Fuck him, I hope he catches super monkey AIDS during his next bathroom stall visit and dies a horrible death. Alone.


Fire Al Yellon Presents- Represent Yo Self

February 9, 2009

Due to my very busy schedule in wide world of work this week I am going to let our 4 readers take a stab at contributing to this blog.  I am asking that readers leave their favorite Al-ism whether it be a warning, LSA +1 or quote in the comment section.  Later in the week I will pick some of best ones and put them up to a vote. The winner will receive A FABULOUS PRIZE                     emmer

which will be worth a helluva lot more than those 10 $ bullshit prizes Al is offering up for guessing which pubic bush matches a random Cubs player from his youth.  So have at it FAY readers and btw, if anybody finds themselves at the San Antonio Rodeo & Stock show this week feel free to drop on by partner!